An Example...

Ok, I am trying to stay upbeat, despite the fact that Thanksgiving is around the corner and i know my new boys won't be home to celebrate with us.  I honestly never thought this would happen.  Last September when we started this process, I had no doubts the boys would be home by now.  We had even made plans to take a trip to visit a great Aunt over the weekend so she could meet the boys.  So hard to have to cancel plans, and make new without them here. 

My sister had her new baby (#5) on Wednesday morning.  Bless her heart, labor started Saturday, but she now has a beautiful boy to show for it!  I am excited, sad, and jealous all at the same time.  My brother and his wife also had a little girl placed in their home (hopefully to adopt) as well as gave birth to another baby, my sister now had a baby, and I am still waiting.  I was officially 'expecting' before either of them.  Don't get me wrong, I am so excited for two new nieces, and a new nephew!  I am SO excited!  I love my family and all my nieces and nephews (there are a bunch!), but I want my boys.

I broke down Sunday at church.  I just couldn't take it.  Friends of ours have friends who started their adoption (from another country) after us, and are bringing their 4 kids home today.  Another friend is pregnant, my sister was in labor, there are like 6 new babies in our church - 5 of which are families in our Sunday School class.  I am so excited for each and every family and each baby.  I am happy for them, truly joyful, but that doesn't mean at the same time, I don't struggle.  I am human, I sin.  I am jealous, sad, angry, frustrated, happy, excited, all at the same time.  We were talking to friends on Sunday and equated this adoption to a roller coaster.  I LOVE roller coasters, but we have now been on this one so long, that I am nauseus.  I am about to lose my lunch!  All I want is to get off!!! It can't come soon enough.  And, just when I think we are about to be done and get off, there is another drop or loop.  I also know that when we get off, I will think, man that was great, let's do it again!  (Reality comes in here, and I already know ti won't happen soon, but you get the idea) But for now, I am sick and done!

I am confident in my God.  I am confident He has a plan and His will is being lived out through this adoption.  That is the comfort I hold on to.  We are being given the opportunity to witness to others.  To be a Christian example.  We have already seen this.  We have been asked about adoption by a few people in our church who are sincere, which is exciting.  Because of the delays, more people in the church are becoming aware of our situation, and are now praying for us.  Our prayer support has doubled, at least.  It is exciting and a challenge to see others watching us.  What an opportunity we have been given to live out the gospel!  I hold on to the Father, and He is holding us!  Therefore, we have joy!

I know this has been a rambling post yet again, but I will also leave you with pictures again...

Where's Mason...  After a bath, he wanted daddy to get him ready, so he sat on the couch covered by a blanket and watched a movie.  The dog always curls up with him, they are best buds!

Adoption Sunday photo shoot!  We tried before heading to church to get a picture of him in his "I'm gonna change the world" T-shirt with a sign that says 'Adopted in Love".  It wasn't the greatest idea we had ever had...

He was being quiet at one point, which always makes me wander what he's up to... I came out of the kitchen and found this.  He was sitting in a box of cloth diaper donations reading a book.

My sister Bobbie Jo with her newest (#5) Parker Joseph.  He's cute!

Mason loved his new cousin.  He gave him all sorts of kisses and kept 'petting' him.  Too cute!

The Word...

Well, if anything 'unheard of' or 'unusual' could happen in an adoption, it's ours...  We have hit a little snag at this point.  We are praying for a quick resolution and that we will be able to go ahead and travel soon anyhow!  I will definitely update you all when we know more!

In the meantime, I will leave you with some pictures of our adorable 2 year old!!! 

He loves his water guns!

Uncle Matt tossing him in the air!  Our little one is a dare devil and LOVED it!!!

Nice form!

Ultimate frisbee in a flooded field!  Everyone was covered and we had a great time!!!

2nd BMI Scheduled!

Thank you God!  The 2nd Birth mother interview that we needed is scheduled for Wed. the 9th.  Please pray with us that miracles happen!  We are still praying that we get to leave this very weekend for ET!  Pray, Pray, Pray!!!

How to Be the Village

This blog post is copied from http://jenhatmaker.com/blog.htm.  She says so many things so well, it is definitely worth the 10 min or so read!  I am going to make my comments regards to things and our family specifically at this point in our adoption, especially with the holidays around the corner right when we are bringing our boys home.    Read and enjoy! 


Sometimes being ever-so-slightly in the public eye is rough. With a mouth and discernment problem like mine, you can imagine. I basically offer my life on the altar of criticism daily, then douse the sacrifice with plenty of fuel to make disparagement a lay-up.


For instance, Brandon and I attended a Halloween party last weekend with the theme “Heroes and Super villains.” Our friends came in such costumes as Captain America and the Joker and Kim Possible. They were all very polished and adorable. We came as washed-up, possibly strung out Superman and Supergirl complete with ripped fishnets, smeared makeup, and pistol tattoo drawn with Sharpie. We may or may not have had unlit cigarettes dangling from the corners of our mouths.
 These choices are often met with disapproval from the watching masses, as you might well guess. I know you wish I would only dress up as Little Bo Peep or Mary Mother of Jesus, but Brandon and I are very, very silly and immature, and I’ve been trying to tell you people this for some time.

But usually I am grateful for the connection to the greater world, if only through social media and the miracle of emails (plus embarrassing transparency). For example, just a few days ago, I received this email:

Our good friends just returned from Ethiopia last night with their two little boys. Ok, they've had their "airport" moment and we were right there with them. What are some things we can do now to support them in the "real life" journey without overstepping our boundaries? Thank you so much for your transparency and honesty. Everyone can benefit when you share from your heart.

I was so moved by this email. Having benefitted from a community that practically smothered us with support throughout our adoption journey, I am so grateful for all the other good friends out there, loving their people and asking how to help. Since reading this email, I’ve been marinating on her question, and I’ve decided to write this Field Guide to Supporting Adoptive Families. (And it will be brief because I will try to remember that this is a blog and not a manuscript and the rules of blogging include succinctness, so that is exactly how I’ll proceed today, except for the exact opposite of all that.)


Let’s break this down into two categories:


Supporting Families Before the Airport

Your friends are adopting. They’re in the middle of dossiers and home studies, and most of them are somewhere in the middle of Waiting Purgatory. Please let me explain something about WP: It sucks in every way. Oh sure, we try to make it sound better than it feels by using phrases like “We’re trusting in God’s plan” and “God is refining me” and “Sovereignty trumps my feelings” and crazy bidness like that. But we are crying and aching and getting angry and going bonkers when you’re not watching. It’s hard. It hurts. It feels like an eternity even though you can see that it is not. It is harder for us to see that, because many of us have pictures on our refrigerators of these beautiful darlings stuck in an orphanage somewhere while we’re bogged down in bureaucracy and delays.

How can you help? By not saying or doing these things:

1. “God’s timing is perfect!” (Could also insert: “This is all God’s plan!” “God is in charge!”) As exactly true as this may be, when you say it to a waiting parent, we want to scratch your eyebrows off and make you eat them with a spoon. Any trite answer that minimizes the struggle is as welcomed as a sack of dirty diapers. You are voicing something we probably already believe while not acknowledging that we are hurting and that somewhere a child is going to bed without a mother again. Please never say this again. Thank you.  - AMEN

2. “Are you going to have your own kids?” (Also in this category: “You’ll probably get pregnant the minute your adoption clears!” “Since this is so hard, why don’t you just try to have your own kids?” “Well, at least you have your own kids.”) The subtle message here is: You can always have legitimate biological kids if this thing tanks. It places adoption in the Back-up Plan Category, where it does not belong for us. When we flew to Ethiopia with our first travel group from our agency, out of 8 couples, we were the only parents with biological kids. The other 7 couples chose adoption first. Several of them were on birth control. Adoption counts as real parenting, and if you believe stuff Jesus said, it might even be closer to the heart of God than regular old procreation. (Not to mention the couples that grieved through infertility already. So when you say, “Are you going to have your own kids?” to a woman who tried for eight years, then don’t be surprised if she pulls your beating heart out like Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.)

3. For those of you in Christian community, it is extremely frustrating to hear: “Don’t give up on God!” or “Don’t lose faith!” It implies that we are one nanosecond away from tossing our entire belief system in the compost pile because we are acting sad or discouraged. It’s condescending and misses the crux of our emotions. I can assure you, at no point in our story did we think about kicking Jesus to the curb, but we still get to cry tears and feel our feelings, folks. Jesus did. And I’m pretty sure he went to heaven when he died.

4. We’re happy to field your questions about becoming a transracial family or adopting a child of another race, but please don’t use this moment to trot out your bigotry. (Cluelessness is a different thing, and we try to shrug that off. Like when someone asked about our Ethiopian kids, “Will they be black?” Aw, sweet little dum-dum.) The most hurtful thing we heard during our wait was from a black pastor who said, “Whatever you do, don’t change their last name to Hatmaker, because they are NOT Hatmakers. They’ll never be Hatmakers. They are African.” What the??? I wonder if he’d launch the same grenade if we adopted white kids from Russia? If you’d like to know what we’re learning about raising children of another race or ask respectful, legitimate questions, by all means, do so. We care about this and take it seriously, and we realize we will traverse racial landmines with our family. You don’t need to point out that we are adopting black kids and we are, in fact, white. We’ve actually already thought of that.

5. Saying nothing is the opposite bad. I realize with blogs like this one, you can get skittish on how to talk to a crazed adopting Mama without getting under her paper-thin skin or inadvertently offending her. I get it. (We try hard not to act so hypersensitive. Just imagine that we are paper-pregnant with similar hormones surging through our bodies making us cry at Subaru commercials just like the 7-month preggo sitting next to us. And look at all this weight we’ve gained. See?) But acting like we’re not adopting or struggling or waiting or hoping or grieving is not helpful either. If I was pregnant with a baby in my belly, and no one ever asked how I was feeling or how much longer or is his nursery ready or can we plan a shower, I would have to audition new friend candidates immediately.


Here’s what we would love to hear Before the Airport:



1. Just kind, normal words of encouragement. Not the kind that assume we are one breath away from atheism. Not the kind that attempt to minimize the difficulties and tidy it all up with catchphrases. We don’t actually need for you to fix our wait. We just want you to be our friend and acknowledge that the process is hard and you care about us while we’re hurting. That is GOLD. I was once having lunch with my friend Lynde when AWAA called with more bad news about Ben’s case, and I laid my head down on the table in the middle of Galaxy Café and bawled. Having no idea what to do with such a hot mess, she just cried with me. Thank you for being perfect that day, Lynde.

2. Your questions are welcomed! We don’t mind telling you about the court system in Ethiopia or the in-country requirements in Nicaragua or the rules of the foster system. We’re glad to talk about adoption, and we’re thankful you care. I assure you we didn’t enter adoption lightly, so sharing details of this HUGE PIECE OF OUR LIVES is cathartic. Plus, we want you to know more because we’re all secretly hoping you’ll adopt later. (This is not true.) (Yes it is.)
 3. When you say you’re praying for us and our waiting children, and you actually really are, not only does that soothe our troubled souls, but according to Scripture, it activates the heavens. So pray on, dear friends. Pray on. That is always the right thing to say. And please actually do it. We need people to stand in the gap for us when we are too tired and discouraged to keep praying the same words another day.  - YES - Please pray!  Anytime we come to your mind, say a quick prayer!!!

4. If you can, please become telepathic to determine which days we want to talk about adoption and which days we’d rather you just show up on our doorstep with fresh figs from the Farmer’s Market (thanks, Katie) or kidnap us away in the middle of the day to go see Bridesmaids. Sometimes we need you to make us laugh and remember what it feels like to be carefree for a few hours. If you’re not sure which day we’re having, just pre-buy movie tickets and show up with the figs, and when we answer the door, hold them all up and ask, “Would you like to talk for an hour uninterrupted about waiting for a court date?” We’ll respond to whichever one fits.



Supporting Families After the Airport


You went to the airport. The baby came down the escalator to cheers and balloons. The long adoption journey is over and your friends are home with their new baby / toddler / twins / siblings / teenager. Everyone is happy. Maybe Fox News even came out and filmed the big moment and “your friend” babbled like an idiot and didn’t say one constructive word about adoption and also she looked really sweaty during her interview. (Really? That happened to me too. Weird.)


How can you help? By not saying or doing these things:

1. I mean this nicely, but don’t come over for awhile. Most of us are going to hole up in our homes with our little tribe and attempt to create a stable routine without a lot of moving parts. This is not because we hate you; it’s because we are trying to establish the concept of “home” with our newbies, and lots of strangers coming and going makes them super nervous and unsure, especially strangers who are talking crazy language to them and trying to touch their hair.  - After adopting Mason and now with these boys coming home at the holidays.  We realize people are coming over.  Please, please, please, let us take care of them.  We need to be the ones to feed, change, comfort, take care of these babes.

2. Please do not touch, hug, kiss, or use physical affection with our kids for a few months. We absolutely know your intentions are good, but attachment is super tricky with abandoned kids, and they have had many caregivers, so when multiple adults (including extended family) continue to touch and hold them in their new environment, they become confused about who to bond with. This actually delays healthy attachment egregiously. It also teaches them that any adult or stranger can touch them without their permission, and believe me, many adoptive families are working HARD to undo the damage already done by this position. Thank you so much for respecting these physical boundaries. - Once again, for us, not completely possible, just becasue of timing, but as said before, let us do most of it!  We are going to try and do things like we did with Mason.  We need to be doing the holding and care of the boys 98% of the time.

3. For the next few months, do not assume the transition is easy. For 95% of us, it so is not. And this isn’t because our family is dysfunctional or our kids are lemons, but because this phase is so very hard on everyone. I can’t tell you how difficult it was to constantly hear: “You must be so happy!” and “Is life just so awesome now that they’re here??” and “Your family seems just perfect now!” I wanted that to be true so deeply, but I had no idea how to tell you that our home was actually a Trauma Center. (I did this in a passive aggressive way by writing this blog, which was more like “An Open Letter to Everyone Who Knows Us and Keeps Asking Us How Happy We Are.”) Starting with the right posture with your friends – this is hard right now – will totally help you become a safe friend to confide in / break down in front of / draw strength from.

4. Do not act shocked if we tell you how hard the early stages are. Do not assume adoption was a mistake. Do not worry we have ruined our lives. Do not talk behind our backs about how terribly we’re doing and how you’re worried that we are suicidal. Do not ask thinly veiled questions implying that we are obviously doing something very, very wrong. Do not say things like, “I was so afraid it was going to be like this” or “Our other friends didn’t seem to have these issues at all.” Just let us struggle. Be our friends in the mess of it. We’ll get better.  - to this point, I just have to say, our transition with mason went so well!  We had our moments, and I did break down and sob (the ugly cry) in the shower one day after being home a couple months.  Do not assume these boys will transition as easily.  I am preparing for complete chaos!  We not only have to transition one boy,  but two.  Two boys to each other, who both need to bond to us as parents, Mason as their brother, and each other as brothers.  As well as Mason needing care and attention as his 'transition' is never going to be completely over!  He still has his 'needy' times.  We still deal with transition things as well as trauma from his previous hurts.  It will be a huge transition for all 5 of us!  Please be patient!

5. If we’ve adopted older kids, please do not ask them if they “love America so much” or are “so happy to live in Texas.” It’s this simple: adoption is born from horrible loss. In an ideal world, there would be no adoption, because our children would be with their birth families, the way God intended. I’ll not win any points here, but I bristle when people say, “Our adopted child was chosen for us by God before the beginning of time.” No he wasn’t. He was destined for his birth family. God did not create these kids to belong to us. He didn’t decide that they should be born into poverty or disease or abandonment or abuse and despair aaaaaaaall so they could finally make it into our homes, where God intended them to be. No. We are a very distant Plan B. Children are meant for their birth families, same as my biological kids were meant for mine. Adoption is one possible answer to a very real tragedy… after it has already happened, not before as the impetus for abandonment. There is genuine grief and sorrow when your biological family is disrupted by death and poverty, and our kids have endured all this and more. So when you ask my 8-year-old if he is thrilled to be in Texas, please understand that he is not. He misses his country, his language, his food, his family. Our kids came to us in the throes of grief, as well they should. Please don’t make them smile and lie to you about how happy they are to be here. - At any age!  We deal with grief with our now 2 year old, who we brought home at 8 monts.  There are huge grief moments!  Just becaseu our boys are young, doesn't mean they don't have trauma.  They were still separated from birth family, they still were moved from orphanage to orphanage, they were still given to these 'white people' who look unlike anything they are used to seeing!  Also, just to put it out there, our boys are 4 months apart, NO, they are not biological brothers.  All three of our boys are brothers! 

6. Please do not disappear. If I thought the waiting stage was hard, it does not even hold the barest candle to what comes after the airport. Not. The. Barest. Candle. Never have I felt so isolated and petrified. Never have I been so overwhelmed and exhausted. We need you after the airport way more than we ever needed you before. I know you’re scared of us, what with our dirty hair and wild eyes and mystery children we’re keeping behind closed doors so they don’t freak out more than they already have, but please find ways to stick around. Call. Email. Check in. Post on our Facebook walls. Send us funny cards. Keep this behavior up for longer than six days.

Here’s what we would love to hear or experience After the Airport:



1. Cook for your friends. Put together a meal calendar and recruit every person who even remotely cares about them. We didn’t cook dinners for one solid month, and folks, that may have single handedly saved my sanity. There simply are not words to describe how exhausting and overwhelming those first few weeks are, not to mention the lovely jetlag everyone came home with. And if your friends adopted domestically right up the street, this is all still true, minus the jetlag.  - Completely looking forward to this!!!

2. If we have them, offer to take our biological kids for an adventure or sleepover. Please believe me: their lives just got WHACKED OUT, and they need a break, but their parents can’t give them one because they are 1.) cleaning up pee and poop all day, 2.) holding screaming children, 3.) spending all their time at doctors’ offices, and 4.) falling asleep in their clothes at 8:15pm. Plus, they are in lockdown mode with the recently adopted, trying to shield them from the trauma that is Walmart.

3. Thank you for getting excited with us over our little victories. I realize it sounds like a very small deal when we tell you our kindergartener is now staying in the same room as the dog, but if you could’ve seen the epic level of freakoutedness this dog caused her for three weeks, you would understand that this is really something. When you encourage us over our incremental progress, it helps. You remind us that we ARE moving forward and these little moments are worth celebrating. If we come to you spazzing out, please remind us where we were a month ago. Force us to acknowledge their gains. Be a cheerleader for the healing process.

4. Come over one night after our kids are asleep and sit with us on our porch. Let me tell you: we are all lonely in those early weeks. We are home, home, home, home, home. Good-bye, date nights. Good-bye, GNO’s. Good-bye, spontaneous anything. Good-bye, church. Good-bye, big public outings. Good-bye, community group. Good-bye, nightlife. So please bring some community to our doorstep. Bring friendship back into our lives. Bring adult conversation and laughter. And bring an expensive bottle of wine. - We have a wonderful porch!, although it's cold, we also have a great living room with comfy couches!!!

5. If the shoe fits, tell adopting families how their story is affecting yours. If God has moved in you over the course of our adoption, whether before the airport or after, if you’ve made a change or a decision, if somewhere deep inside a fire was lit, tell us, because it is spiritual water on dry souls. There is nothing more encouraging than finding out God is using our families for greater kingdom work, beautiful things we would never know or see. We gather the holy moments in our hands every day, praying for eyes to see God’s presence, his purposes realized in our story. When you put more holy moments in our hands to meditate on, we are drawn deeper into the Jesus who led us here.

Here’s one last thing: As you watch us struggle and celebrate and cry and flail, we also want you to know that adoption is beautiful, and a thousand times we’ve looked at each other and said, “What if we would’ve said no?” God invited us into something monumental and lovely, and we would’ve missed endless moments of glory had we walked away. We need you during these difficult months of waiting and transitioning, but we also hope you see that we serve a faithful God who heals and actually sets the lonely in families, just like He said He would. And even through the tears and tantrums (ours), we look at our children and marvel that God counted us worthy to raise them. We are humbled. We’ve been gifted with a very holy task, and when you help us rise to the occasion, you have an inheritance in their story; your name will be counted in their legacy.
 Because that day you brought us pulled pork tacos was the exact day I needed to skip dinner prep and hold my son on the couch for an hour, talking about Africa and beginning to bind up his emotional wounds. When you kidnapped me for two hours and took me to breakfast, I was at the very, very, absolute end that morning, but I came home renewed, able to greet my children after school with fresh love and patience. When you loved on my big kids and offered them sanctuary for a night, you kept the family rhythm in sync at the end of a hard week.

Thank you for being the village. You are so important.

There is so much of this email that fits for any and all adoptions.  I agree with it and tried to give my two cents.  this is such a crazy wild ride.  I think the biggest thing I can say is, we are pregnant.  I have been pregrnant going on 14 monts!  trust me, hormones are all over the place.  I am not sleeping well at night!  I am ready for my 'due date'.  I walk up and down every isle in the baby section just looking b/c I am so anxious.  I may not need anything yet, but I look, because it helps me feel a little closer to my boys being home! 


I hope you all are able to understand what we (especially me) are going through.  How it is affecting us. 


And, as she said above, Pray!  Pleae pray!  We are getting close to the end of this part of the journey, but there is still so much to go through!  Thank you!

Ok, so the new news!

Well, The birth mother interview came and went.  We even got up this morning and received a lovely email from the embassy stating that our case had cleared.  The email only had one of the boys' name on it, so I promply emailed the embassy to 'clarify' that they had indeed cleared our entire case.  The response came back about 45 min. later that no, we had only cleared on one child.  They stated that they were going to request a birth mother interview for our other boy  -  WHAT!!! I was irate!  I emailed them back again, after I had calmed down a bit, and asked how this could happen.  Our case, along with both boys, is one file.  So, it should all happen at the same time.  We even questioned why they only requested a meeting w one birth mother in the first place.  So, anyhow,  a bit later, got an email from the embassy that they had ineed made a mistake.  MIRACLES DO HAPPEN!  :)  The embassy admitted they made an error!  So, where we stand now....  the embassy still watns a birth mother meeting with our other son's bmom.  So, in talking with our case worker, they (in Ethiopia) are in a dash to find her!  The embassy has said that when they could get her there they would make accomidations to get her in.  Pray with us, once again, that they find her like, today, and get her to the embassy at the first of next week.  We are now on hold again, and I have to admit, I am going to really, REALLY, struggle with being thankful at Thanksgiving if they are not home!  

PRAYER REQUEST!

I am writing this to you all to request prayer from any and every one!  While we are sleeping tonight (Tuesday night), the US Embassy in Ethiopia will be meeting with one of our sons birth mothers.  Please pray that they are pleased with the information and that they quickly (preferrably right away) clear us for travel!  We are anxious to get our boys home before the holidays and it is cutting things close!  Pray that when we get up tomorrow (Wednesday) we will have an email from the embassy!  I am praying for sleep!  It's been about 2 weeks of weird dreams and lack of sleep!  I definitely have adoption on the brain! 

I know I am writing this post early in the day, but figure having a full day of people praying can't hurt!

I want to thank you all in advance for your continued prayers!  We really appreciate each and every one!  This process is difficult even with prayers, I can't imagine keeping my sanity without being surrounded by it! 
THANK YOU!

the 26th...

The birth mom interview has now been confirmed for the 26th of October.  Our case worker at the agency said that if we hadnt heard anything by the 28th to contact the embassy.  She said that usually families clear fairly quickly after the interview.  I am praying that is the case for us.  Things have been a bit unusual for us (like MOWA not wanting to write our letter) this adoption, so I am praying this is not the case.  i would love to have travel clearance by the end of next week. 

Yesterday was a 'down' day.  I wasn't really upset by the delay, I was just kind of numb.  It was just one more thing.  I am defnitely in a better mood today after a good nights sleep...  or kind of good.  Little one was up 3 times or so, I had weird dreams about the adoption.  But, overall, I woke up refreshed this morning.  So, on with another day.  God has given me joy in the morning and I will be glad!